I couldn’t even tell you what’s actually in the Maxwell House Haggadah. There’s some talk about Rabbi Ezekial and Rabbi Eliazar and some other old Rabbis who offer some pretty fuzzy math about the number of plagues they were smote with in Egypt. I spend most of the night wondering when the matzoh balls will be ready and whether or not I’ll be earning more than $5 for finding the afikomen.

This year, I’m stepping up to the seder plate (sorry, but Passover puns are really hard to make). I’ll be hosting a seder that isn’t good to the last drop. Inspired by Jonathan Safran Foer and Nathan Englander’s The New American Haggadah, I too, am reinventing the seder.

Here are a few of my non-traditional seder ideas:

SOCIAL JUSTICE SEDER

• The historical accuracy of the Exodus story is pretty questionable, but the morals of the Passover story ring true today. Slavery still exists in the global economy, and the seder is a great opportunity to bring this issue, amongst others, to the table.
• What you’ll need: Any of these human or civil rights-themed haggadot, fair-trade food, and an open mind. Also, check out the DCJCC’s 5^th Annual National Rainbow Seder with the Human Rights Campaign.

A SEDER OF UNFORTUNATE EVENTS

• Daniel Handler, aka Lemony Snicket, author of A Series of Unfortunate Events, contributed the “Playground” portion to The New American Haggadah. As a big fan of the series when I was in high school in my childhood, I developed a love for Snicket’s dark humor and melodramatic tone.
• What you’ll need: The New American Haggadah, a theatre troupe made of evil henchmen, and plenty of horseradish.

RUGRATS SEDER

• I wouldn’t remember anything about the Passover story if it wasn’t for “A Rugrats Passover.” (“It’s bitter herb, not bitter erb!”) Recreate the Rugrats retelling of the Exodus, but make sure not to close the door.
• What you’ll need: A copy of the Rugrats Passover special, homemade gefilte fish, and an attic door that locks from the inside.

FEMINIST SEDER

• Ever notice how women are absent from the standard haggadah? Host a seder that the owners of Women & Women First Bookstore would be proud to attend.
• What you’ll need: A feminist haggadah (suggested: Ma’Yan), an orange for the seder plate, and comfortable shoes.

HIPSTER SEDER

• Hipsters were into seders way before they were cool. They basically discovered the afikomen after seeing it that one time at that bar in Williamsburg.
• What you’ll need: A seder plate you found at a flea market, food from the Park Slope Co-op, and matzoh made with locally-sourced flour. You’ll have to skip the PBR tonight.

On Tuesday, April 3 at 7:00 pm at Sixth & I, contributors to SMITH Magazine’s Oy! Only Six? Why Not More?— Six-Word Memoirs on Jewish Life book will tell the stories behind their 6-word memoirs. We caught up with Larry Smith, the founder and editor of SMITH Magazine, best known as the creator of the Six-Word Memoir® project, who talked to us about entrepreneurship and the inner monologue.

KS: What inspired you to start SMITH Magazine?

LS: I was inspired to start SMITH Magazine by my grandfather. The codename for the original prototype of SMITH was Smitty, after Morris “Smitty” Smith, a great storyteller in his day. Smitty became “SMITH” as Smith is not only someone who works to create something (a blacksmith or a wordsmith), but is the most popular last name in America. SMITH represents us all, person-to-person, story-to-story.

SMITH is infused by something I witnessed with my grandfather—he loved to tell stories. He rarely did until he was asked. That was an important lesson for me: everyone has a story, but often they aren’t asked, or made to feel their story is important.

KS: How has storytelling shaped your life? Do you go about your day internally narrating each moment?

LS: Storytelling shapes all our lives, whether we’re having a deep conversation around our dinner tables or sharing a short-short story via a Six-Word Memoir or well-crafted Facebook status update. Storytelling has always been the whole deal, what makes us human, from the hieroglyphics of Egypt to the overheard conversations at the next wedding or barbecue on our schedules. What’s better than calling your best friend and saying, “I’ve got the most wonderful story to tell you….”?

I see stories everywhere and I love asking people for their own life stories. Sometimes my brain does go a bit haywire with it all, which is one reason my wife keeps begging me to take up meditation. I’m working on that.

KS: What do you think people find so appealing about a Six-Word Memoir?

LS: We’re all writers. All of us. All of us, whether we know it or acknowledge it or not. Still, a blank page is a scary thing. When a blank page is filled by just six words it becomes less intimidating—so six words is a great way to get your words moving. On SMITH, you can write one or many Six-Word Memoirs; the teens over at SMITHteens.com do dozens a day as a way to document their always-changing lives. And while six words can indeed tell an entire story (“Ex-wife and contractor now have house”), it often becomes just the start of a longer story. People started using the comments area to write more, so we added a “backstory” feature on SMITH where they can do just that. At our live story shows, such as the April 3 Jewish-themed show at Sixth & I, we’ll see how each storyteller will use his or her six words as a jumping off point for the longer narrative.

KS: Do you have any advice to offer aspiring media entrepreneurs?

LS: You have got to love what you do, and wake up every day obsessed or you’re sunk. A startup or any personal passion you’re trying to turn into a living is both a marathon and a sprint, but probably more of a marathon. If you’re smart and just want to make money, pick something else—there are so many easy ways to make a living. But if you can’t live without bringing a project into the world, then go for it.

Also, don’t wait to make sure everything is in place to get started, just start. I wasted three years trying to raise the big bucks to launch SMITH Magazine and then I finally took the advice of some of the people I admired most and just launched SMITH as a small, scrappy site and built it, slowly but surely, from there.

Then once you’re off the ground, don’t be shocked if your project takes paths you hadn’t expected. I first launched SMITH intending to be a new kind of web-print magazine. Now I would describe it as a community of storytellers—and I like this notion much more than my original concept. Allowing yourself to veer off the path you think you’re supposed to be on won’t slow you down, but in fact open you up to new experiences, new places, new people and new ways of seeing.

KS: What can we expect at the Oy? Only Six Words? Why Not More? event at Sixth & I?

LS: We’ll see a really great bunch of storytellers—some pros, others taking the stage for the first time—taking a nugget of their Jewish life and opening that up into stories that are uniquely personal, yet will resonate with the audience in a more universal way. Because SMITH is meant to be a participatory experience, our shows always end with an audience “Six-Word Slam,” in which anyone and everyone is invited to share six words on the evening’s theme. The “slams” are wild, weird, and wonderful and often the part people are buzzing most about later.

Then again, every story show is different, so I never know what to expect.

Seeing the truth: The politics of local advertising in Israel have gotten heavy. In an attempt to combat eating disorders in the country where approximately 2% of all girls between 14 and 18 suffer from them, new laws will ban overly thin models from ads. The laws will require companies to report when they have altered images of models as well. Some critics note that the legislation is flawed in that the proposed required size of a model is based on weight, rather than BMI.

Picturing peace: An Israeli graphic designer decided to tell the Iranian people just how much Israelis love them.  Working with his wife, designer Ronny Edry created posters displaying various memes and phrases about love between the two countries. The posters were uploaded to Facebook—one with the words, “IRANIANS. We will never bomb your country. We <3 You.”—and have since launched peace-minded conversations between the two peoples on the social networking site.

Party of three: Neve Campbell, who comes from Sephardic Jewish ancestry but is a practicing Catholic (I know this comes as a surprise, as I too assumed The Craft was a real life portrayal of Campbell’s religious practices), is reportedly pregnant with her first child. Actor J.J. Field—neither John Cusack nor ex-hubby John Light—is the father.

We’ve narrowed it down to two finalists in each category, but choose your picks for the final champions in the comments section.

Funniest Jewish Comedians Bracket

Funniest Jewish Comedians

Best Jewish Foods Bracket

Best Jewish Foods

Greatest Jewish TV Characters Bracket

Greatest Jewish TV Characters

Note: For Bracket #3 we left off all Seinfeld and Curb Your Enthusiasm characters deliberately, as we gave the comedic greats their due in Bracket #1.

KS: Many people associate Purim with heavy drinking. Is this a modern interpretation of the holiday or a tried-and-true ancient tradition?

RSS: Like all good Jewish questions, the answer to this one is “yes.”

On the one hand, it is an ancient tradition. The story of Esther ends with the instruction from Mordecai to the Jewish people to celebrate this holiday as “y’mei mishteh v’simcha”–days of drinking and joy (Esther 9:22). In the Talmud, we learn that “Rava said: It is one’s duty, levasumei, to make oneself fragrant [with wine] on Purim until one cannot tell the difference between ‘arur Haman‘ (cursed be Haman) and ‘barukh Mordekhai’ (blessed be Mordecai)” (Babylonian Talmud, Megillah 7b).

But also in perfect rabbinic fashion, there was never consensus on what exactly levasumei meant. Rip-roaring, hangover-inducing drunk? Or just a little tipsy? In different communities, in different eras, and depending on what culture we lived in (i.e. hard-drinking or teetotalism), there would be more or less drinking. In mid-20^th century America, Purim went pediatric, all about kiddies winning those poor goldfish at the carnival and not as much about adult celebration.

It’s starting to change–I hope–and not just by the carnivals refraining from giving out goldfish. Nowadays, more communities are wrestling Purim away from the kiddies and returning it to its proper place as an R-rated holiday. Pass the flask.

KS: What is Judaism’s general take on alcohol consumption?

RSS: Did I just say “pass the flask”? What I should have said is, “pass the flask responsibly.” Above all else, Judaism privileges human dignity and safety. I could list any number of values and mitzvot that are integral to our tradition and insist that we take care of ourselves and those around us: lo tirtzach, do not murder; b’tzelem elokim, we were all created in G-d’s image; k’vod ha’briyot, honoring all living creatures; lo l’vayesh, do not embarrass yourself or others, etc. Abstaining from drink can be a mitzvah, too. We should never ever pressure others to consume alcohol.

In general, Judaism holds that alcohol consumption should be in moderation. On Shabbat, at Havdalah, at wedding ceremonies, at the Passover seder—these are all times when we’re instructed to drink wine but are also given specific amounts to drink. If you read the minutia you’ll learn which goblets are too big and which too small, how much wine is enough and how much is overdoing it, when and where and why to drink. Alcohol—like sex or money—is a powerful tool, which can be used for joy or for destruction. Use it for good.

KS: True or false: The tradition of alcohol on Purim exists solely to make the sound of incessant groggers more tolerable?

RSS: False. We’re supposed to hear the Megillah not only on Purim eve when the majority of drinking takes place, but also on Purim morning when, let’s just say, a grogger and a hangover don’t mix.

Widespread a-sphiel: Vox Tablet captured some high-quality Jewish storytelling in the spirit of the Purim shpiel. Listen to Ilya Khodesh’s prize-winning tale of internet theft in his early months of graduate school. Jewish storytelling has a home at Sixth & I, with the popularity of our annual My So-Called Jewish Life event. For more where that came from (and a shameless plug), come to a Six-Word Story Show on Jewish Life from SMITH Magazine at Sixth & I on April 3rd.

Image via Hollywood Reporter

Hollywood in the Homeland: One half of Branjolina will be spending the late summer in Israel filming his new movie, The Gray Man. According to the Hollywood Reporter, “[Brad] Pitt will play a CIA operative-turned-assassin targeted for elimination, forcing him to elude teams of killers while trying to save the lives of the daughters who don’t know he exists.” Alas, your summer Birthright trip suddenly has new promise.

Notable Jewish women: The Daily Beast/Newsweek’s annual “150 Women Who Shake the World” list was released today, and included six Jewish women from Gabrielle Giffords to Roseanne Barr. That’s right, the same Roseanne that won your heart as the fictional middle-class mother to DJ, Darlene and Becky is now the Roseanne that’s campaigning for the Green Party’s presidential candidate.

It was a good morning. I had negotiated child care, work responsibilities and sleep deprivation and made it to yoga class on time. Class began and ended with a meditation, time which I used productively to make a food-shopping list and outline my sermon for the upcoming weekend.

The irony: A few weeks ago, we read in the Torah of one of the many intimate encounters between God and Moses. It begins with God telling Moses to “ascend to the top of the mountain and be there” (Exodus 24:12). The question is asked: Why would God need to say both “ascend the mountain” and “be there”? Wouldn’t just the first clause have been enough? And the answer: It is not enough. Physically walking up the mountain and arriving at the top is only the first step. It’s in cultivating a sense of presence that the hard work begins.

Getting to the yoga class? Check. Down-dog, Warrior I, II, III? Check. Being there? Epic fail.

Cultivating a presence in body and spirit, giving money to a homeless person and looking him or her in the eye, calling a friend who is going through a tough time and concentrating only on that one conversation, showing up at synagogue and opening your heart to prayer—it’s not just about showing up. It’s about “being here” as well.

The Jewish Sabbath is an eternal concept, designed as a respite from all those worries and fears that dog us during the week, designed to cut us off from all things—commerce, technology—that preclude us from being fully present to ourselves and those we love. We can choose to partake in it, or not. Shabbat happens whether we’re at the grocery store, at work, or at home. In that way, it’s kind of like life. We can go through life on total auto-pilot, and, in fact, most of the time we do. Every once in a while, though, we have the opportunity to remind ourselves that it’s not just what happened an hour ago or what will happen next week or next year. It’s now. You spent all week ascending the mountain, the Sabbath teaches, and now you’re here. Give yourself a break. Be here.

In last week’s Torah portion, Terumah, we rejoined our wandering Israelites in the wilderness. At God’s request, they build a mishkan, a tabernacle, a mobile sanctuary. God says, “Let them make me a Mishkan that I may dwell among them.” The Biblical authors chose an interesting word for what we translate as “dwell.” The obvious choice would have been yashav, which means “to settle somewhere.” Instead, purposefully, the Biblical authors chose shachan, to live somewhere temporarily. Yashav is moving into a new house; shachan is pitching a tent.

In ancient Israelite times, there were plenty of peoples building tabernacles for their gods. But the Israelites did it a little bit differently. Instead of building a place for their God, Adonai, to settle down, the Israelites built a tent to serve as God’s hub or base of operations. It’s the difference between the candidate who does all campaign fundraising by “taking” meeting after meeting at The Palm, and the candidate who does some Palm-esque work but accomplishes most of the fundraising by going door-to-door. The Israelite God, Adonai, rests in the tabernacle from time to time, but it’s temporary. God is both in the tabernacle and with the people.

Jews are the heirs to the Israelites’ God. We come to the synagogue to pray and to sing and to study and to meet and to be here—and all that is critical. But Judaism does not happen only in the synagogue. We can access God not just in exquisite spaces such as Sixth & I but also when we do God’s work in the world.

In 1965, Rabbi Abraham Joshua Heschel joined Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. as they marched for civil rights together in Alabama. Of that experience, Rabbi Heschel wrote, “For many of us the march from Selma to Montgomery was about protest and prayer. Legs are not lips, and walking is not kneeling. And yet our legs uttered songs. Even without words, our march was worship. I felt my legs were praying.” Heschel was a man who was very comfortable in the synagogue, but he recognized that Judaism cannot be lived in a building. Just the opposite. For God in Israelite times, for Heschel 40 years ago, for us today, Judaism needs to be both about what happens inside the synagogue, as well as what happens outside. The synagogue must serve as our launch pad, compass and refueling station, giving us a foundation and a direction as we do God’s work in the world.

Taking time for a Sabbath helps us cultivate the practice of presence, arguably one of the most sorely needed qualities in our multitasking, Twitter- and soundbite-driven society. It’s not easy — witness the Sabbath-practicing rabbi drawing up shopping lists during yoga class. Being present to God, to those we love, to our own selves—these are touchstones on a lifelong journey to create a life that matters, a life that is bigger than any one of us, a life that is more than the sum of its parts. A life where we can feel the presence of God—of the Shekhinah, the one who dwells among all of us—each and every moment.

The Texas Association of Private and Parochial Schools (TAPPS), which organizes sports competitions for member schools, turned down Beren’s appeal to have the time of the game changed so that it would not fall on the Sabbath. The semifinal game against Dallas Covenant is scheduled for 9:00 pm this Friday.  Shabbat begins at 6:09 pm in Fort Worth, TX, where the game would be played.

Image via ESPN.com

TAPPS director, Edd Burleson, told The New York Times, “When Beren’s joined [TAPPS] years ago, we advised them that the Sabbath would present them with a problem with the finals. In the past, TAPPS has held firmly to their rules because if schedules are changed for these schools, it’s hard for other schools. If we solve one problem, we create another problem.”

While Burleson’s warning to Beren seems legitimate, it is odd that an association who has mostly religious-affiliated schools as members would be so intolerant toward a specific religion.

Of course, sports scheduling conflicts with religious events are nothing new, and it certainly doesn’t affect only Jews. It seems that the High Holidays have made as many appearances in the baseball playoffs as the Yankees.

But when you really think about it, it’s strange that religion and sports mix like oil and water, since many people are fanatically observant of sporting events, faithfully rooting for a team and worshipping star players like gods.

Even in professional sports, leagues have adjusted schedules because they conflicted with religious holidays.  Because Christmas fell on a Sunday last season, the NFL decided to move a majority of its games to the Saturday before. The Packers-Bears matchup was the only game played on Christmas, and it was even moved to Sunday night.

Granted, this was a minor adjustment and not necessarily one that was made because of religious consideration. It is the NFL’s general policy to make schedule changes if Christmas falls on a Sunday most so stadium and league employees don’t need to work on the holiday.

But TAPPS isn’t the NFL. There is not an obscene amount of money tied to the TAPPS tournament and there would have been no harm in moving the game up a few hours so that it could be finished before sundown. How can educators teach tolerance to students when they are being denied the same opportunities as others based on their religious beliefs?

If you want to support Beren’s boys basketball team, there is a petition to change the tournament schedule through the school’s website.

Here’s a look at some of the winner’s connections to the chosen people:

Michel Hazanavicius, Director of The Artist: This director is a French Jew whose parents and grandparents hid in the French countryside to survive the Nazi occupation.

Image via Oscar.go.com

Thomas Langmann, Producer of The Artist: Langmann has Eastern European Jewish grandparents, and his father produced the film “Two of Us” telling the story of a French Jew in hiding during WWII.

Woody Allen, Director/Screenwriter of Midnight in Paris: Explaining Woody Allen’s connection to Judaism would be as tired and overdone as Billy Crystal hosting the Oscars.

Meryl Streep for Margaret Thatcher in The Iron Lady: In 1978, Streep’s role as a German woman married to a Jewish artist in the miniseries Holocaust, and in 2005, her performance as an involved Jewish mother and therapist in Prime, both earn her honorary mentions.

Christopher Plummer for Hal Fields in The Beginners: Aside from the many Jewish characters in The Beginners, Plummer was in the Sound of Music — the pre-Producers original Nazi-related musical.

Octavia Spencer for Minny Jackson in The Help:  One time, @octaviaspencer tweeted “To all of my Jewish friends, Happy Passover.” So that counts.

“Man or Muppet” song from The Muppets: Jim Henson may have been a Christian Scientist, but Jason Segel is Jewish enough for anything Muppet-related to make this list. His smile really makes me get all Miss Piggy about him.

There you have it. Plus, I consider Sacha Baron Cohen a Jewish winner in that he convinced the Academy that his Dictator bit was worth the fight. Seacrest out.

Ubiquitous newsletters from DC news outlets fill your inbox telling you what to do this weekend, what new restaurant to check out, and where to find New York’s hottest club of the moment. Your phone is abuzz with text messages and emails from friends who all have an in on the heavy clam bakes.

With everyone and everything telling you where to go and what to do, Friday nights can be just as hectic as the work week.  Sometimes the best thing to do is to do nothing at all.

Instead of spending Friday night spending too much money, try hosting Shabbat dinner instead. Not in a “let’s all hearken back to Hebrew school” Shabbat or an “everyone get in the car we’re going to Grandma’s” Shabbat, but a relaxing evening where good friends and good food make for an all around good time.

What you’ll need:

• Candles—Try bright handmade candles from Etsy to liven the mood.
• Challah—You can find great challah at Breadsmith or Firehook.
• Wine—Skip the two buck Chuck and splurge a little on a great bottle of kosher wine.

What to eat: Forget the brisket and borscht, and try branching out from traditional Shabbat food. Joy of Kosher has a great selection of Jewish-inspired menus that aren’t straight out of your bubbe’s recipe box.

What to do: Relax. Turn off the TV, turn off your phones and just enjoy a relaxing evening by candlelight straight out of an episode of Barefoot Contessa.